Caregiving often requires us to adapt to new roles and expectations. It can be challenging to see someone we love struggle or change. It’s common to long for the days when they were healthier and more independent. You also may not even realize how much you are yearning for this.
We as caregivers have a tendency to want our loved ones to be “restored” and return to their former self. Do you often find yourself suddenly angry, or frustrated by little things you normally could let go? You may have this unacknowledged yearning for your loved one to “snap out of it!” and restore themselves. Even though it’s irrational, we want them to shake off their dementia and “be themselves again.”
A large part of how we understand ourselves is tied up with who we are close to. When the people we feel most connected to change, we can feel that change as a threat — a threat to who we are. Our friends, our family, and certainly our parents are not only the people we love, but they are also the borders of our own personality. This is why their change can be so disturbing for us. The metaphors for our world are turned upside down.
Knowing that this particular anger, frustration, or depression comes along with caregiving can be helpful. These feelings are a natural reaction to a threat. You might get confused and think, “Why do I get so angry at my dad now?” You don’t hate him — you just feel your identity threatened. Understanding this relieves a lot of guilt, and knowing that this is a normal process can help you feel less angry, frustrated, and depressed.
These feelings will pass, and they will pass more quickly if you recognize that they are occurring. Letting go of wanting to restore your loved one ultimately restores you, and it leaves everyone with more emotional room for celebrating small victories, cherishing shared moments, and creating new memories that produce the fulfillment and purpose needed for everyone’s caregiving journey.
Ultimately, caregiving is an act of love and compassion. Embracing the changes and challenges is how you generate strength and resilience. It is not easy, but you can do it. Supporting those we love with empathy and patience only happens when we try to understand what we are going through ourselves.
How do we let go and be here now?
Walk into another room and take a breath
Remember that they may forget your name, but they know how you make them feel.
Remind yourself that they are not trying to give you a hard time – they are having a hard time.
Look for the little joys – the things that make you smile.
Get breaks. If no one is offering, ask for help.
By Karen Stobbe
P.S. You may also be interested in this article by Karen: Sharing A Home – Preparing For When Family Moves In (part 1 of 2).
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